August 12, 2008

Heartbroken Mommy!

I cannot believe the summer is over! I dreaded going to bed Sunday night because I knew when our little peanut woke me up in the morning I would have to get ready for work. WORK??? I was I going to head back to work and leave this little boy that I have become more attached to in these last 2 1/2 months than when I carried him for nine months. How was I going to get through the day sitting and listening to some lady talk about Kagan when I could be at home reading a book or getting wet kisses or playing chase around the coffee table? How can I even think about lesson plans when I have a first year album that needs to be finished? How?......That was my big question as I had weeks of sleepless nights and days where I would just cry knowing that these precious days of 24/7 were coming to an end? There is something we started this summer (thanks to Andrea) that I will continue to do, even if it makes me late for work....I'm a mom first. As soon as AJ wakes up and we change him, he lays in bed with me and Emma, our cat, (Matt joins us on the weekends) and cuddle while he eats his bottle. When he is finished he climbs all over us and giggles and laughs. What a great way to start our days?
Well I did it, a message from Steph and as I walked into the All Star Cafe bitter as ever I was welcomed with many smiling faces asking about AJ....I did it! And Andrea made a good point, thank goodness we at least have a job that we are too busy to sit and think about what they are doing every second of the day. We are so busy that the days go by so fast that before we know it, we are back home. So I will go to work and look forward to the last bell when I can head home to the two loves of my life.

The last weekend of summer started with a great Play Date at our clubhouse with the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. Nyseem, Steph, and Skye we missed you but you were all thought about the entire time.

6 comments:

Jennifer said...

I was thinking of you so much during that training on Monday...how you must be feeling, how much you missed him, how you were smiling on the outside, looking SO CUTE in your little white and beaded rope-thingie outfit...engaging in all of those "how was your summer?" conversations...all the while thinking, "What is he doing? Is he sleeping? Is he eating? Is he happy?"

I remember those days so well...they are the beginning of the constant struggle of the working Mom. The reassuring news is that these days are the most vigorous and trying of them all. It will get better...you WILL find your groove, he WILL be just fine...and you will carve out new routines, schedules, and rituals that make up for lost time (ie, mine stayed up much later!!)...and then he grows up a little, and he actually NEEDS to be away from you in preschool to make friends and develop those important social skills!

Then before you know it, he will be sitting beside you in the car on his first day of Kindergarten. You will see him during the day walking in line and give him a wave, or even a kiss. And he will walk down to your room after school, and tell you all about his day. You will do your "homework" together. And you'll be in the same buidling for the entire day for 6 years. And you will know why you became a teacher. :) I promise!!

Hang in there!
xoxo
jennifer

Kelly Hutcheson said...

OMG! Tears are rolling down my face right now after reading your post and knowing what you must be feeling and then Jen's comment put me over the edge!! Sobbing!! I'm so scared to go back to work; like a fear I've never felt! I know she'll be ok, but I'm worried about me!! I feel solace I have such a support system to get me through it! I love you guys!!

Kelle said...

I. Can't. Imagine. What. You're. Going. Through. I don't even have to do it (knocking on every wood I can find!!!), and when I put myself there, the hurt is too deep. But, I do know, we as mommies think of the worst...what if he's crying? what if he needs me? what if he's thinking about me wondering why I'm not there?....and it's never the case. Funny, actually because while we think that, he's probably laughing and happy. Loving and hugging you!!!

Steph C said...

Jen couldn't have said it more perfectly! I can't imagine how you are feeling Rayna but I will soon find out in Jan. Just know that we all love you more than anything and are here for you. And most of us even understand and can feel your pain. Although it doesn't take it away it is nice to know that you have a shoulder to cry on or a friend to vent too. Life isn't fair if only money was not an object! We could all stay home and have playdates everyday. I love you and AJ! xoxoxo

Heidi said...

rayna your words made me so sad...i wish i could take the hurt away. i know the anxiety you felt before that first day of school will fade a little with each paasing day, even though you will miss him still.

Jenn said it sooooo perfectly. i got about 3 waves of chills especially when she said that it will all feel worth it when he walks down the hall to be with you after school!!!! so sweet. love you, wanting to give you a hug too.
xoxo

Samantha said...

You did amazing the first week. Even though I know you wanted to be at home with your beautiful boy, you seemed upbeat and positive. I can't imagine what working mommys feel and how hard it must be. I think we should all start playing the lottery and if one of us win, we will all stay home with the babies!